It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
