We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Pants are for mortals
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
His nipple licking is glorious
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