If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
