My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
