why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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