I met the friendliest cop last night
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
