I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
