i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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