I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
