I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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