he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
