So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
