My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
