I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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