I looked at my own cervix.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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