If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
