You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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