i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
