it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
