This is not my ceiling
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
