belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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