I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
