If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
