last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
