last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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