Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this

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(206): View more from Washington

Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?

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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(361): View more from Texas

Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(229): View more from Georgia

dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes

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(317): View more from Indiana

He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Well that didn’t go as expected.

(514): View more from Quebec

I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.

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