i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
