dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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