Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
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