I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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