true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
