If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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