I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
