I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
