I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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