just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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