It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just google imaged poop.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
