I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
