Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
