can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
