Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
