then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
