I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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