worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
