Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
