The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
