I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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