Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Green mimosas i think yes
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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