And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Randomize
