someone threw a dead crab at me
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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