When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
