sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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