Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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