I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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