Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
