cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
